Vicki Marie’s Sexy Summer Reading Series: One Chapter A Day
THE BACHELOR CHAPTERS: A THINKING WOMAN’S ROMANCE
Shortly after Kyle left Seattle, I was back at The Triple Door, this time at a blues concert with my favorite French Cowboy. Dion and I had been doing our thing for almost a year by then, and I was thrilled that I could call it a perfect bachelor adventure. Our time together was infrequent by conventional dating standards, maybe three to four times a month. Just as I had hoped, there was no checking in, no expectation toward coupling, and there were no complications. He had other women, and he knew I was operating under the full bachelor model as well. Don’t Ask Don’t Tell was the code of our club, and it provided me the freedom to be wholly and exclusively his girl during our time together, and to respectfully mind my own business when we were not.
Self-doubt and insecurity are hardwired into women, but by recognizing this fact of life, it was possible for me to deal with it, and not let it get in the way of my new lifestyle. I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with feeling jealous; it’s simply a feeling. I also believe it’s a feeling to be avoided: because it feels awful. If it does appear, it’s my responsibility to resolve. My feelings are my business, and it took the better part of forty years to realize that it’s simply delusional to expect anyone to relieve me of my stuff.
I knew my lovers had other women, and because of that fact, I adopted Don’t Ask Don’t Tell as the key to keeping jealousy out of my emancipated world. DADT meant I didn’t want to hear smack about any other woman, because what I didn’t know wouldn’t haunt me. At the same time, I taught myself to eradicate insecurity by focusing on what was real. If my man was into me, and he gave me all of his attention when we were together, then it didn’t matter where he spent his time when we weren’t together. The adult truth was clear to me. I was capable of adoring and giving and wanting more than one lover; so why couldn’t he?
I had a history of cheating to back up my belief. I never did a one-off cheat in my twenty years of being coupled. I had affairs of duration. I didn’t leave Beth to be with Toni, because I didn’t want Toni instead of Beth. I wanted them both. In my bachelor lifestyle, I assumed that the men who agreed to the nonmonogamous ground rule were also capable of simultaneous attraction. Dion and Kyle and Tyrone and the others were adding evidence to my theory, and over time, I identified two other life lessons that I adopted as guidelines for being a bachelor.
The Snowflake Syndrome of sex was essential for my peace of mind. Experience had taught me that each sexual partner that I’ve been with brings something distinct to the match, and the combination of the two of us resulted in sex that was unique. Sex with my girlfriend, sex with my ex-husband, and sex with my French Cowboy were alike in only two ways; I was there, and the sex was extraordinary. In reality, what I called extraordinary with Beth, was not the same extraordinary as with Jon or Dion. The energy was distinct with each of them; different things were inspired in me with each of them; and the entire turn on was unique with each of them. Just as there are no two snowflakes that are alike, so it is with sex partners. No two are the same.
I used the Snowflake Syndrome as a strategy to manage my occasional slide into jealousy or insecurity, and it worked. I coupled that with the psychological mantra of my generation: facts always trump feelings. And one fact I knew for sure: no matter where my lover might park his pretty dick, there was only one place on the planet where it could ever feel the way it did with me.
The other conclusion I came to rely on was the concept of Actual Abundance, which is an elegant way of stating the obvious: men are everywhere. If one man doesn’t work out, there will be another. They are simply all over the place. And because men are partial to pussy—it would be foolish to lack confidence in opportunities for future action.
In addition, the concept of Actual Abundance erases forever the number one excuse that keeps people stuck in uncomfortable or even harmful relationships: fear of being alone. Once again: fear is a feeling, and the facts overrule. Too many women are blind to the fact of Actual Abundance, but men suffer from blindness as well. There is simply no need for any person to be afflicted with dissatisfaction. The universe has provided. Open your eyes. Abundance is for everyone.
TOMORROW: Chapter 33
Copyright Vicki Marie Stolsen, 2014, Forever Forty-Four Publications, Publicity Rare Bird Lit, Tyson Cornell, Tyson@rarebirdlit.com, Distribution by Ingram, Available online and in bookstores in paperback, eBook, and audio format.